2:00 a.m.
2:45 a.m.
Had to go to the E.R. entrance since it is the middle of the night.
It was storming outside. When we went to check in at Labor and Delivery, the computer system was down. I had preregistered, but they had to pen and paper register me since they couldn't access the records.
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| Lance pushing me in a wheelchair through from E.R. to Labor and Delivery |
5:00 a.m.
Epidural please!
8:00 a.m.
Doctor came to check on me. I felt fine...thanks epidural! I was dilated to a 5. Said she would be back at lunch.
9:00 a.m.
At least someone got some sleep! 😒
9:15 a.m.
I woke up Lance because I felt pressure down below! We called in the nurse.
9:18 a.m.
Nurse came in and checked me. Her eyes widened. Told me not to move because the baby is coming.
9:30 a.m.
Tried to hold the baby in until the doctor got there. Every contraction felt like the baby was coming ready or not.
9:38 a.m.
Doctor came in, told me to push.
9:43 a.m.
After 3 pushes, Lane Gabriel entered the world!
9:44 a.m.
I questioned Lane's blue skin tone. Doctor reassured me that is normal. She tried to keep me calm. A strange noise was coming from Lane's throat. I assumed it's fluid he was trying to clear. The nurses wiped Lane clean and placed him on my belly to hand him to me for skin-to-skin. He went limp in the nurse's hands while on my belly. The panicked nurse coated her words with a calming tone as she said, "I'm just going to take him over here for a minute."
I watched as she took Lane to another table in the room. Another nurse rushed over to the table. I saw the fearful looks they exchanged. My doctor was still trying to calm me down. Lance was pacing the room with his hands on his head and tears in his eyes. The nurses started chest compressions and the "panic" (NICU) button was pressed. The orange, flashing lights and alarm started. A new team of doctors and nurses flew into the room. Just as quickly as they flew in, they flew out...with Lane. I asked Lance to go with him.
What the heck just happened?
10:00 a.m.
I sit alone in the recovery room. I cannot feel the bottom half of my body. My legs are immobile. One nurse comes into the room. I struggle to process what just occurred and what to expect next. I just laid there in shock.
10:15 a.m.
One of my best friends works in the hospital and rushed down to see me. As soon as she walked in the room my emotions hit me. We sat together holding hands and cried.
12:00 p.m.
I am finally able to go to the NICU to see Lane.
12:45 p.m.
My parents came to the hospital.
8:00 p.m.
I got to hold Lane for the first time.
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| Respiratory therapist and nurse help to ensure all of his cords are in place after moving him. |
The next day, the ENT came to scope Lane's airway for the first time. That's when we discovered his vocal cords were not moving well, which was causing him to struggle to breathe. A few weeks after that discovery, we were told he also had two brain abnormalities.
I wish I could say that through the pain, we have seen many triumphs. That there are silver linings, that this has made me stronger. That just isn't the case. We have had a year of just trying to survive and fight through adversity. I remember other trach moms telling me that it gets better after the first year. The tunnel we entered on October 20, 2016 was so long and dark I couldn't see any light. We kept stumbling through the darkness. We have tripped and fallen more times than I can count. We only have made it this far thanks to many people shining their lights to help guide and encourage us. Our faith has been the biggest light of all, though it hasn't been unwavering either. We are in a much better place now. We are still wearing our problem solving hats every day, have to make difficult decisions regularly, and advocate for what we think is best for Lane. BUT, we are better at knowing when to relax and just love our kids.
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