A Lesson on Resentment

The gaps from where Lane is developmentally, to where he should be continue to widen. Lance and I strive to stay positive on a daily basis. We struggle to stay positive while also remaining grounded. Staying optimistic while facing the reality in which we live. We recognize that we are blessed in many ways, but we also allow ourselves to occasionally wallow in the sadness we carry when facing what life has presented us. Some days we find ourselves scraping the bottom of our spiritual barrels to find some semblance of hope. Other days we convince ourselves that Lane will one day just blow us away with a great surge of improvement. 

Just two nights ago I had a dream that Lane started walking. He just jumped up and took off, leaving everyone in our house in shock. I woke up the next morning with a brief wave of hope. For a second, I lived in the beautiful haze of my dream.  Once my mind caught up with reality, I went through what I will call my Emotional Roller Coaster Ride to Reality. This ride takes me to the following stops (not always in this order):

• glimmer of hope
• sadness
• anger
• fear
• stop your whining, pull yourself together!

I have the cycle memorized.  I hop on this ride often. When we first brought Lane home from the hospital this was how I woke up every single morning. I would wake up hoping none of it had ever happened and that I was still pregnant. It has gotten better. I am not as frequent of a passenger as I once was, but still ride more than I'd like.

I just noticed that his breathing mask is covering the 'P' on his shirt so it says, "Lane Awesome." 💙

The most common reason I jump on this roller coaster is resentment. I get jealous of what other people have. Angry that I have to watch my child suffer. Sad when I think about what he should be doing at this age and is unable. Scared of what his future holds. 

<rant warning>I resent that I can't just buy whatever cute outfits I see for him because I have to think about what will work with his trach, feeding tube and oxygen foot monitor. I resent the milestone updates that I see telling me what he should be doing right now. I resent seeing families with gaggles of healthy children at the store. I resent that he won't be able to really participate in eating his 1st birthday cake (in just one more week!!) I resent that he is like a sack of potatoes when I pick him up. I resent that he won't just eat on his own...what the heck?! I resent that I can't answer simple questions like, "How is Lane doing?" with much optimism making me sound like Debbie Downer. I resent that his older sister will have to worry about things beyond her maturity level. I resent that I tried to do everything right during pregnancy and sat and listened to babies cry who were addicted to drugs in the NICU. I resent families who can save and keep the money they have earned. I resent...I could go on for days. <end rant> 

Eventually I start to think about all of the other battles that people are fighting, and start to feel guilty that I am spending time having a pity party. That's when I jump off and regain my composure, and on I go until my next ride...