Birth Day Timeline

10/20/2016
2:00 a.m.

I was awoken from my shallow, uncomfortable sleep by the familiar sharp pains of my bladder stabbing my gut. I waddled my, 9 month pregnant, self to the bathroom. This trip was about to be very different than all prior trips to the bathroom. Since I had just gone to the bathroom, I figured the stream of fluid running down my leg was probably not urine.

2:45 a.m. 
Had to go to the E.R. entrance since it is the middle of the night.

It was storming outside. When we went to check in at Labor and Delivery, the computer system was down. I had preregistered, but they had to pen and paper register me since they couldn't access the records.

Lance pushing me in a wheelchair through from E.R. to Labor and Delivery

5:00 a.m. 
Epidural please!

8:00 a.m.
Doctor came to check on me. I felt fine...thanks epidural! I was dilated to a 5. Said she would be back at lunch.

9:00 a.m. 
At least someone got some sleep! 😒

9:15 a.m.
I woke up Lance because I felt pressure down below! We called in the nurse.

9:18 a.m. 
Nurse came in and checked me. Her eyes widened. Told me not to move because the baby is coming.

9:30 a.m.
Tried to hold the baby in until the doctor got there. Every contraction felt like the baby was coming ready or not.

9:38 a.m.
Doctor came in, told me to push.

9:43 a.m.
After 3 pushes, Lane Gabriel entered the world!

9:44 a.m.
I questioned Lane's blue skin tone. Doctor reassured me that is normal. She tried to keep me calm. A strange noise was coming from Lane's throat. I assumed it's fluid he was trying to clear. The nurses wiped Lane clean and placed him on my belly to hand him to me for skin-to-skin. He went limp in the nurse's hands while on my belly. The panicked nurse coated her words with a calming tone as she said, "I'm just going to take him over here for a minute."

I watched as she took Lane to another table in the room. Another nurse rushed over to the table. I saw the fearful looks they exchanged. My doctor was still trying to calm me down. Lance was pacing the room with his hands on his head and tears in his eyes. The nurses started chest compressions and the "panic" (NICU) button was pressed. The orange, flashing lights and alarm started. A new team of doctors and nurses flew into the room. Just as quickly as they flew in, they flew out...with Lane. I asked Lance to go with him.

What the heck just happened?

10:00 a.m.
I sit alone in the recovery room. I cannot feel the bottom half of my body. My legs are immobile. One nurse comes into the room. I struggle to process what just occurred and what to expect next. I just laid there in shock.

10:15 a.m.
One of my best friends works in the hospital and rushed down to see me. As soon as she walked in the room my emotions hit me. We sat together holding hands and cried.

12:00 p.m.
I am finally able to go to the NICU to see Lane.

Still wasn't able to hold him, but I was able to stay in the room. We had no idea what caused him to code. He is intubated.


12:45 p.m.
My parents came to the hospital.

8:00 p.m. 
I got to hold Lane for the first time.

Respiratory therapist and nurse help to ensure all of his cords are in place after moving him.

The next day, the ENT came to scope Lane's airway for the first time. That's when we discovered his vocal cords were not moving well, which was causing him to struggle to breathe. A few weeks after that discovery, we were told he also had two brain abnormalities.

I wish I could say that through the pain, we have seen many triumphs. That there are silver linings, that this has made me stronger. That just isn't the case. We have had a year of just trying to survive and fight through adversity. I remember other trach moms telling me that it gets better after the first year. The tunnel we entered on October 20, 2016 was so long and dark I couldn't see any light. We kept stumbling through the darkness. We have tripped and fallen more times than I can count. We only have made it this far thanks to many people shining their lights to help guide and encourage us. Our faith has been the biggest light of all, though it hasn't been unwavering either. We are in a much better place now. We are still wearing our problem solving hats every day, have to make difficult decisions regularly, and advocate for what we think is best for Lane. BUT, we are better at knowing when to relax and just love our kids.

A Lesson on Resentment

The gaps from where Lane is developmentally, to where he should be continue to widen. Lance and I strive to stay positive on a daily basis. We struggle to stay positive while also remaining grounded. Staying optimistic while facing the reality in which we live. We recognize that we are blessed in many ways, but we also allow ourselves to occasionally wallow in the sadness we carry when facing what life has presented us. Some days we find ourselves scraping the bottom of our spiritual barrels to find some semblance of hope. Other days we convince ourselves that Lane will one day just blow us away with a great surge of improvement. 

Just two nights ago I had a dream that Lane started walking. He just jumped up and took off, leaving everyone in our house in shock. I woke up the next morning with a brief wave of hope. For a second, I lived in the beautiful haze of my dream.  Once my mind caught up with reality, I went through what I will call my Emotional Roller Coaster Ride to Reality. This ride takes me to the following stops (not always in this order):

• glimmer of hope
• sadness
• anger
• fear
• stop your whining, pull yourself together!

I have the cycle memorized.  I hop on this ride often. When we first brought Lane home from the hospital this was how I woke up every single morning. I would wake up hoping none of it had ever happened and that I was still pregnant. It has gotten better. I am not as frequent of a passenger as I once was, but still ride more than I'd like.

I just noticed that his breathing mask is covering the 'P' on his shirt so it says, "Lane Awesome." 💙

The most common reason I jump on this roller coaster is resentment. I get jealous of what other people have. Angry that I have to watch my child suffer. Sad when I think about what he should be doing at this age and is unable. Scared of what his future holds. 

<rant warning>I resent that I can't just buy whatever cute outfits I see for him because I have to think about what will work with his trach, feeding tube and oxygen foot monitor. I resent the milestone updates that I see telling me what he should be doing right now. I resent seeing families with gaggles of healthy children at the store. I resent that he won't be able to really participate in eating his 1st birthday cake (in just one more week!!) I resent that he is like a sack of potatoes when I pick him up. I resent that he won't just eat on his own...what the heck?! I resent that I can't answer simple questions like, "How is Lane doing?" with much optimism making me sound like Debbie Downer. I resent that his older sister will have to worry about things beyond her maturity level. I resent that I tried to do everything right during pregnancy and sat and listened to babies cry who were addicted to drugs in the NICU. I resent families who can save and keep the money they have earned. I resent...I could go on for days. <end rant> 

Eventually I start to think about all of the other battles that people are fighting, and start to feel guilty that I am spending time having a pity party. That's when I jump off and regain my composure, and on I go until my next ride...